My last post was very long till my friend Sophia complained so this will be short but maybe a bit longer than the other. Yet Sophia will probably complain again, you will know why as you keep reading. The rules have not changed, not a bit, so it will be nothing but the truth. For security purposes, as you will also learn later, some names will be omitted.
It is 14th February, otherwise Christened Valentine’s day in respect to St. Valentines. The unfolding of events;
Up until 13th February, 2317hrs to be precise, I considered myself very single, and yes, I could mingle coz I had the freedom. I receive a late night call from a girl friend of mine and we talk casually, like we always do. Being the naughty guy, I tease her that I’ma take her out for a date the next day. First mistake, as you are just about to see. Shawty actually changed the game on me and swung an invite my way. As a matter of fact, it was not a request; she demanded that I be her valentines. So we talk a little about how the day will be and what nots, I hate surprises, unless it is from my Mom, I’m straight like that. She asks for my address as I will be picked up! Sweet baby Jesus! Okay, for starters, I never lie to any lady about where I stay. I make it known clear to you that I reside in Umoja estate.
Now Umoja is not really a ghetto per-se, but it is far from being a middle class residential. Let’s just say that the rent I pay can equal the money you spend at a massage parlour, on a normal relaxation day. The lady on the other hand lives in Lavington, an up market residential and she is ready to send a cab to pick me up tomorrow for our date. Shit done changed for real. Let’s get one thing clear though, I have never been a gold digger, in one way or another, I always end up dating or relating to these filthy rich kids. What they find attractive or amusing about me is for the good Lord to explain, I can’t decipher. I compose myself to sleep since the next day, a homeboy has got a date! Just before I put my phone on silent mode, I receive another text; “hi sweerie, what are the plans for morrow?” I never reply. By the way, Sue had already wished me goodnight so I’m more than eager to sleep.
I wake up at 3.30 on the 14th of Feb to write and put up a couple of articles as I may not be able to do so later on in the day, if the date is actually to happen. By 6: 33 in the morning, I receive another text, from ‘sweerie’. This time, it goes like “Yo Babe, kwani you forgot it is my b.day…… not even a b.day wish?” Well, ladies never seem to realize the difference between girl friend and girlfriend; one has a space in between. There is a reason for that space. On a second thought, I could have a double shot, talk of getting laid on valentines and laying someone on her birthday. Wild imaginations my guy 😀 It is 9:27 and I am ready; black fitting jeans and a white shirt coz I’m just cool like that. I get a call and I’m informed the chauffer will be there in ten minutes. I get off the phone and it finally sinks on me, she said chauffer and not a cab guy? Levels are about to change my guy.
I leave my house and head to the bus stop, to make it easy for the cab guy (chauffer) to find me. Funnily, I never let ladies into my house (unless we are dating), especially if they stay around my hood. Reason being, my life is really simple and I hate drama. Ladies, especially from the ghetto have a higher affinity to drama, I keep my distance. It is the space that separates ‘girlfriend’ and ‘girl friend’. I get to the bus stop and wait for two minutes, there is a sleek BMW packed and I’m like so it is not just me going for a date today, another hood rat is lucky too. Good for him/her. My phone rings and I pick, coincidentally, the guy talking on the phone gets out of the same BMW and respectfully signals me to come over, opening the back right door for me. Holy shit, I’m a boss! This is not happening to me. A conductor of a matatu I always board spots me and the look on his face is priceless. I’m certain that by the time I get back to the hood, the whole estate will be talking of how I have joined illuminati. Ghetto life!
Instead of taking me straight to our place of date, I am chauffeured to Lavington, apparently to pick my date from her place. So I get off the mat (oops, car) and just stand there waiting for the girl to come out. The chauffer taps on the door and smiles gently before handing me a bouquet of flowers which I am supposed to give the lady upon her arrival. This ‘romantic’ thing is too much for me. That is the way it’s supposed to be done my guy? Hehee, I can’t deal. So she finally comes out, prancing towards me, looking hella sexy. I mean they say the devil wears Prada, the kids in my hood wear nada but this princess is right in between but way more fresher! For a minute, I’m just rooted on my feet, confused. I forget to hand her the flowers as she plants a warm kiss on my cheek before getting in the car. It is the chauffer who brings me back to reality with a quick tap, signaling me to get in the car. Once inside, I regain my composure and we talk, freely like we always do. She seems surprised when I compliment how gorgeous she looks. Smh, ladies, lack of self belief will kill you people.
There is a basket of fruits in the car and we each pick; I go for the apple as she picks a berry. Is this a date or we are going camping? God, I leave my life in your hands, guide me throughout the day. She writes a quick note, flips the piece to the driver and I am less interested in what it reads. The only thing keeping me calm and collected is the fact that we have been friends for close to a year, though we have never spent so much time together, apart from the random tea or a meal we seldom have at Sarit Centre. The car pulls to a halt in front of a Mr. Price and being the fast thinker I am, I sense what is about to happen. Please tell me my mind is playing tricks on me. This shawty is about to give a brother an extreme makeover, wardrobe edition. Jesus I’m ready, come take me with you now. Hahahahaaa, all this while I was sited pretty and shit, the Mami was like for how long I’m I gon be next to this ratchet? Well, I am not ready to be humiliated, I’m confident like that. But I’m also a gentleman and I know when to back down. She informs me that where we are headed, my dress code is actually inappropriate and she wouldn’t want me to end up being the laughing stalk.
I oblige and long story short, I am back in the car 20 minutes later in a full suit, feeling so uneasy. Even the chauffer failed to recognize it’s me. Prior to this, I had never worn a suite in my whole life! Let me tell y’all something, on a normal day, my attire includes of baggy pants (sweating or denim), a double t-shirts (black on white or vice versa), sneakers and a baseball cap. A cargo pant alternates the dress code and my classmates knew me like that. That was until Carol of Mambo Couture stepped in to be Dr3am Villes’ stylist and the first thing she ensured was to rid off the baggy clads. Now I just rock denim and a simple t-shirt. I’m Hip Hop like that. Anyway, off we go to the venue, a Japanese theme set up in an uptown Villa. She had informed me that the place is fun and there are lots of activities we can enjoy the whole day there as she is expected back home by 1900hrs latest. As we get to our reserved table, I notice a lot of kung fu going on in the kitchen at the far end on the villa. Hol’ up, if whatever I’m gonna eat is what is being tossed in the air and chopped like Bruce Lee fighting an imaginary opponent, then I’m outta here. How the hell do these Japanese guys cook? I can’t suppress my laughter.
The Menu comes and I stare blankly before murmuring something like, coffee, yeah, just coffee. My date is very friendly; I bet she understands I’m not used to this life. She tells me that Japanese Cuisine is her all time favorite and she would want me to have a simple experience of a day in a Japanese set up. In my mind, I envision eating snakes. Lord knows I’m not ready! For your information, we are not in a restaurant, we are in a Villa, it is a very big place and couples are scattered around at their respective tables, maybe 50 meters apart. The closest I have come to this is eating at The Hilton Hotel, but the tables were 5 meters apart, do the math. One thing about me is I am very frank. I tell my dear friend that I hate embarrassments and if she doesn’t lead, then there will be so many close shaves by the time the date is over and done. She promises to aid me. The stories begin; I just now realize that sited across from me is the daughter of one of the highest ranking officers in the Kenyan Air force. I die a small painful death. Like why me? Of all people in this world, why just a poor me to be crucified?
I only get my heart back after a million assurances that all is well and I will not end up in the army barracks. By 1317 hours, the main meal is served, as we had agreed, she chose what I will eat. The food looks delicious really, but right before I start eating, the snake thing quickly races on my mind and I enquire whatever we are about to have. She takes the first bite and I’m convinced that at least it’s not poison. I start eating, after insisting that I must rinse my hand, I can’t handle all those sticks, forks and knives. I must agree though that the lady knows her way around with the sticks. It is not like she is faking anything; it’s natural, like playing with drumsticks, that’s how I can describe her eating and how the sticks roll in her tiny fingers. After the meal, the rest of the afternoon is spent riding horses, eating lots of ice cream and playing ping pong amidst other naughty stuff. Shawty sure knows how to have fun. 1841hrs and she informs me that the party must stop, just when I was starting to feel at home.
As we hold hands walking towards the car, she stops by a table where a couple is sited, deeply immersed in conversations. She alerts them of our presence, greets them and introduces me as her ‘good friend’. Then all hell breaks loose; Hitler, Gadaffi, Sadam and bin Laden plus all other devils all come down to earth. The man, while giving me a firm handshake, introduces himself as Eliyana’s dad and asks me to meet his wife, pointing at the lady sited across from him! Tell me I’m dreaming and when I wake up, I will be in my single room back in Umoja. That is all I want right now. The man, I had been told hours earlier is an officer in the Army has me me in his huge arms. Things happen real first, the dad informs the lady that she will be riding back home with them while the chauffer will drive me back to my place. I just node, a million things are racing in my head. The lady, as if not bothered by the slightest presence of her parents, gives me a very tight goodbye hug, before cheekily planting a smooch. I am doomed. The distance from the table to the car seems longer than Likoni Bridge. Once I reach the car, I glance back and to my amusement, the whole family is waving me a goodbye.
I am from a different planet. You see, my sister, who is older than me, cannot even dare bring her boyfriend two kilometers from our home. I just spent a whole day with a lady in the full glare of her parents!! All this time we were playing around in the ranch, cuddling and shit, the parents of this girl were around, having a date on the same place as we? God why??? If that aint insanity, then I don’t want my brain back. How one becomes that free and open with their parent is beyond me to fathom. Now the picture gets clearer, I see why I had to be taken to that Cloth store for a makeover. God I hate myself. But on the bright side, I would love to have such a relationship with my daughter, for real. As I get home, I check on my girl Sophia and she tells me that her valentine was quiet, just like a normal day. I laugh at her so hard before checking on Cecile who is in Nigeria. By now, I’m too tired to check twitter. I just wanna sleep, so happy to be back to my quiet place. Eliyana calls to wish me a goodnight. I doze off.
15th February: 0758hrs
I wake up only to find that I slept with my clothes on. I slept with a suit. Lmao!! I power my computer on to type as I check my twitter feeds. Shit, Sue sent me a tweet appreciating what I sent her!! Like she actually liked it man, and I dint even wish her a happy valentine. I am very sad. Happy Valentines Sue, better late than never, you know? Right now I have to head over to Sarakasi dome where my homie Shukid will be launching his Sleepless Nights mixtape. Maybe I just might pass by the Mr. Price and pick my denim and shirt, they remained there after my extreme makeover:-D