This article is strictly for 21 years and above. There will be graphic content and foul language. I don’t even know why I’ve wasted my space writing that since y’all retards never follow instructions lol. Well, I have done my part, may God protect your sights. On the flip side, it will not be another Amarula post or the normal drunkenness shit. Or it maybe….
It starts from the other day, yes, the day before yesterday when I arrived home very late. Being a Champions league night, my cousin and I ate hurriedly so as to go and watch the game at our usual joint. Nothing is challenging like eating chapati ndegu in a dash. Just so you may know, he cooked very tasty chapatis and I had cooked the green grams earlier on in the day. In case you are wondering why or how I know how to cook, it is as a result of constantly dating light skinned ladies and as we all know, they are kitchen allergic. So poor Holly has to cook for himself, and mostly her too.
that’s me on my best behavior 😦
We get to the venue and as the first half kicks off, I talk to Tehn Diamond about some idea I had, which of course I won’t write here, but if you are snoopy you may find a few info here. On the table, my good cousin has ordered a bottle of Old Monk, I have no other choice. I sip, but very lazily since we all know what happened the last time I drunk this shit. Now being an Amarula adherent comes with challenges when you have to drink these other brands. You see, Amarula is sweet on the mouth and it takes time before getting you drunk. While for Old Monk and its ilk, you really want them to get to the stomach without getting in contact with your lips. And the resultant reaction is instant. Take today for example, I am here to support Chelsea and I cheer when they score the first goal. After a couple of shots, I scream my lungs out when Galatasaray equalizes. All thanks to Old Monk. This really got me thinking, what is the recipe for making Amarula? Can’t I be able to enjoy a homemade Amarula whenever I can’t afford to cough out 1,950/=? Being the creative genius, I set out to discover how to make Amarula.
A quick study shows that you can tell an artist’s brand of liquor by the type of songs the make. For example, Jaguar probably drinks Kibao Vodka or those Maasai spirits. This is clearly evident by how he titles his songs; Kigeugeu, Kipepeo, Kioo and when he shifts from the ‘K’, well, Matapali. You see? Khaligraph, on the other hand must be imbibing Busaa, you know why. My only resolution this year was to be happy and I’m determined to live by that. I’m so certain that I will die young, since ‘the good die young’ and how do I know I’m even good in the first place? One, my ex girlfriends keep wanting me back (obvious reasons, light skinned ladies can’t get over the fact that you dumped them). Two, I always end up dating ‘virgin’ ladies (strangely) who all ask me to wait till wedding before we can have sex and I gladly do (as I fuck their kid sisters who happen to be more mature and ready). Three, I don’t cheat on my girlfriend with her best friend, I prefer her sister; blood is thicker, you know? Lastly, I repeat that cycle.
Since you’ve already agreed that I’m good, let me school y’all on how to make Amarula. This will get me crucified but fuck it; they have already dropped me as their unofficial ambassador anyway.
- Two 150 ml vanilla flavored yoghurts.
- Five tablespoons Cadbury drinking chocolate.
- Five teaspoonfuls of sugar
- A glassful of hard liquor i.e. vodka.
Mix all the above in a 500ml plastic container and stir for 5 minutes.
Drink leisurely as you lam around.
After making the above, I drunk it and to my surprise, it tasted just almost like my regular Amarula. So for roughly Ksh. 377 I had made a clone of my favorite drink. As I enjoyed my genius creation, I was able to edit three interviews for Infinity Magazine (Sophia must be proud of me right now), replied to 11 emails, updated my facebook status and sent 13 tweets. In addition, I texted my ex too 🙂
Mix the above and drink.
As you can notice, by this time, I had run out of ingredients or was just lazy to get them. No, I was actually experimenting on the best recipe. This Amarula, unlike the first one, is reddish in colour and not really thick. It is not sweet either. After consuming it, I knocked at my neighbours door to remind her that she had left shoes at the doormat, walked to the police station to report my lost mouse (for computer damnit) to which they told me that they don’t arrest cats, came back and took a shower outside the bathroom, after which I regained my sobrierity.
- A glassful of hard liquor (Vodka)
- Seven tablespoons Cadbury drinking chocolate
- One 150ml vanilla flavored yoghurt.
Mix the above in a 500ml plastic container and stir for 5 minutes. Drink while locked in a room.
This Amarula is way better than the second one, it is tastier too and brownish in color, just not thick like the first. By the time I was drinking it, it was 5 in the evening. By now, I’m tweeting in Swahili and speaking in sheng (slang). Now for those who know me well, my Swahili is ‘foreign’ and you don’t wanna get me talking in sheng. You will slap me hard to shut my mouth. Everybody around is laughing every time I open my mouth. I seriously think of giving Churchill a call to audition for his show. I call two of my exs and text all ladies on my phonebook. I confess love to any of them that replies. I also promise to call my lil’ bro Vinjay and I never. This Amarula is acting quicker than all the above. I have to do something to keep me busy before I lose it. So I decide to finally draft that resume and send to a couple of employers. This I do because my Mum still believes that I need a ‘real’ job as writing is not one, according to her. I try so much to stay indoors but this drink comes with extra legs, I can’t stay put.
Last thing I remember is my cousin telling me to stop touching “Moma Mboga”s avocado, if you know what I mean. But I woke up smelling like I had a bath in a pool full of yoghurt and chocolate, yummy 🙂 My phone has 79 text messages and 81 whatsapp messages from 39 conversations. I’m feeling like a light skin chick right now! Another day gone without having a proper meal, more reasons why I will die young.