I talked to my ex last week and she asked me if I still write articles and blogs. Apparently she used to read all of them and even was keenly following up on my life stories, ‘A day in life of a Holly’. I must have the best girlfriends since after break ups, we always tend to keep in touch, constantly checking on each other and seeing how our current partners are treating us. It’s called comparing notes, in formal language 🙂 I don’t know if that is good or bad though. But considering the current temperatures in Nairobi (not the political one dimwit), you never know when you will need each others company. Anyway, that motivated me to write a new post today, after hmm, a one month hiatus.
You are right to ask where I have been. You can ask any blogger or columnist and they will profess to you that writing is addictive. As much as I tried running away, stuff kept happening that I can’t ignore anymore. See how writing game us still up there with the clouds? Ooh, just in case you should know, I’m writing this from the comfort of my new desk at the office, and Spring Valley is extra cold.
So on Saturday, as I was watching the Brazil vs Chile game at the locals, I get a message from a strange number and it goes something like, ‘Hi, it’s Gladys*, Webbs sweetheart. I need to talk to you about somethin’. Now there were a million things wrong with that text but before we get there, let me familiarize y’all with the characters first. Webb, is the third culprit in that group that has refused to quit disturbing Africa, Dr3am Ville. Mishu completes that tally, including me, that is. So Webb’s ‘sweetheart’ wanted to have a word with me, which is understandable, considering that in Dr3am Ville, we are one loving family.
Here is the other bit of what was wrong however. Being a cold June – July Nairobi, you don’t text a single and extremely lonely guy and start by introducing yourself as another person’s ‘sweetheart’ , that is an insult to thirst buana. Any straight guy would be just as jealous as I was. Secondly, we already agreed with the female members of our society that during the World Cup duration, kindly don’;t send a text or attempt to call a man, weather he is our lover or just a friend. And that goes to family an relatives, unless it’s a report of someone passing away, then you can wait for the halftime break to relay the information. Clearly, someone missed the memo. Lest I forget, if you got interested in this post due to the title, then I’m so so sorry, it has nothing to do with your twisted political bearings or Saba Saba madness for that matter, or maybe it does, read on.
Being a real nigga that I am, I wait till the game is over, then I reply to the text upon which I’m informed that there is something really important that needs our presence, seeing as we are very close to Webb. Hence I get invited for a small gathering the following day, Sunday at 12:30 pm. I oblige, family comes first.
On the material day, I cancel my afternoon commitments, which involved drinking a brand new bottle of Amarula with my cousin, just so I can attend the supposed meeting. on arrival, I find a few friends are already gathered and we start talking after exchanging pleasantries. Twenty minutes later, the lady arrives, apologizes for being late and invites everyone to listen to the announcement that she had to make. Starting by confirming to us just how extremely she loves Webb, she proceeds to kill the lonely spirits in the room who are evidently single, by talking of how their relationship has blossomed. At this point, I’m already missing a few of my exes and seriously contemplating reviving my FWB policy with a certain Lavingtone beau. Talk about passive romance, I’m having those in my mind already when I’m jerked off from the daydream by what followed next.
“The main reason why I invited you wonderful people here is to make it known on your presence that I’m breaking up with Webb” She dropped the bombshell. ” I cant continue with this relationship as I feel that Webb is not loving me right and I believe that I deserve better.” Now you see, someone like me who gets break up texts each and every week is immune to that bullshit, but my heart was bleeding for Webb. She went ahead to highlight all the reasons why the break up was justified and when the guys couldn’t take it any longer, they started interrupting her with questions, like why she couldn’t just solve her issues with Webb without involving us. I’m all for dialogue and negotiations but when a girl acts stupid, aiming to embarrass you in front of your friends and family, then count me out of the equation.
I picked my house keys, dropped the soda I was drinking and left in a splash. Not before I could take a bus out of the area, one of the guys who was in there came and pleaded with me to just go back and let the girl finish. I then remembered that I had left ,my phone behind so I went to pick it. Getting to the house, I found a group of seven beautiful, young girls piling up at the entrance, I was appalled. You mean this girl even invite her friends to come and witness how she was going to embarrass her lover? I was almost done with dating these Nairobi ladies forever. Immediately I got my phone and turned to leave, I heard a sudden chant of ‘Happy Birthday’ melody echoing in the air. That is when it dawned on me that a nigga had been duped. I looked around for the camera but it was not there. that is Webb n his Sweetheart ‘breaking up’
Hehee, the look on Webb’s face was priceless, just like The People Newspaper. In a car packed nearby, the ladies went and offloaded the presents that they had brought, including a cake bearing Webb’s name and we suddenly got down to munching and laughing. We exchanged numbers with the ladies as everyone present was apparently single. As they hugged and cuddled and kissed, I sadly realized that I was indeed very lonely and jealous. Ooh my God, I need a rich and bright girlfriend who can pull such a stunt on me. The only difference is, when you do that to me, we will top it off by having sex right there and then. That is if you are even able to make me stay that long after uttering the ‘I’m breaking up with you’ phrase. I certainly don’t mind such incidents in the next coming weekends, just don’t keep my heartbeat suspended for long.